*** Danger! Danger! The following story contains not PG-rated language! Proceed with caution***
He drew a knife and promptly proceeded to quite loudly exclaim, “Oh piss it”
The victim of what was supposed to currently be a murder stopped shaking. “What?” she yelled, hands flung into the air.
“I brought the wrong knife” he cried, waving the plastic toy in her face, “Bloody hell. I must have grabbed my son’s by mistake. Fuck”
“Oi. Language!” the victim cried, “If anyone it gonna be swearin’ it’ll be me, matey”
“I can’t ruddy well murder you with a plastic knife now can I?”
“Then use your imagination Goddamn it. What kinda serial killer are you, if ya can’t work with a plastic knife” she slumped against the wall and checked her watch.
“Fine” he yelled, digging through his bag. He drew a gun. She gasped, he pulled the trigger and…
click, click, click.
The victim groaned and rolled her eyes.
“Let me guess, you’ve got a toy chainsaw in there too, aye” Our killer just stood there pulling the trigger again and again and again to no avail. “Give me that” she ripped the gun from his hands and threw it down the alley. “Ain’t there nothing in this bag that could actually kill a person?” she said crouching on the floor and rummaging through the bag. “Toy axe, toy ninja stars, toy throwing knives, toy sword. You are the worst serial killer to have ever tried to kill me, you know that? Is this an action figure?”
“An action figure, like a doll but named differently due to society’s standards of seeing feminity as weak and havin’ to change the name of ‘dolls’ so boys will buy em an’ shit”
He stared at her, she waved the action figure in his face with attitude to spare.
“Fuck,” the killer said, swiping the bag from her hands
“What did I say about language?”
“I took the wrong bag”
“Whatta you mean you took the wrong bag, it’s the only one here you numpty”
“I mean that I took the wrong bag this morning, this is my son’s murder bag”
“Well you gon’ an’ fucked up aven’t you matey”
“I’ve got to go” he hastily shoved the plastic weapons back into the bag and swung it over his shoulder.
“I’ll see you same time next week then, maybe you’ll try an’ bring actual weapons that time” she called out as he rushed out of the alley, he wasn’t listening. Someone suburbs away a young boy was murdering teddy bears with legitimate weapons. As he ran out onto the street he was filled with an overwhelming sense of dread. His car had been parked on a tow away zone and was now nowhere in sight. With an annoyed sigh and a ‘this day can’t get any worse’ he trudged back into the alley to ask his victim for a ride home. She was standing there leaning up against the wall, already jinglingly her car keys.